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Welp, haven't posted here in awhile. Probably cuz there is a lot of ads...bit so is there on FB. Ya, got caught in FB world. And what's this Russian stuff here? And the agreement? A lot of weirdness goings on everywhere. How many social medias to keep up with? They did open me up to artists from other places all over the world. But now...what will happen to that? People get mad at people for hangn out too much on FB or various other social media accounts...almost like they get mad at folks for doing too much drugs...or almost like they would rather you do too much drugs. LOL. Which brings me to my sobriety...been about 18 months now...no booze or drugs or ciggies. yup....just in my many drug and drinkie dreams.


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Yup, been a lil sad about this new year already. Cartoonists being shot and some other negative shit. Been fuckin up playn my bass today, ugh...and I wanna get a show this year! ugh, o and the music scene here seems to be more elite-ist then before. So many egos. I just want to play and have a good time. But other musicians in this town are all gettn holier than thou. They deserve all the attention and all the $$. I could really use $$, but don't expect it...and whoever chooses to come out and see us play is fine. You don't have to come to see my band just because I went to see yours and you don't even have to like my band because I like yours. I don't know...I guess I feel down cuz folks keep pushn for me to get another guitarist and are real pushy about it. Trying to book a show in this town is more annoyn than ever, too. I don't really feel like dealin with another guitarist right now. I tried jammin with this one guy that everyone is pushing on me and it didn't feel compatible. I miss Davy and his yelling voice and his country/metal sounds. Plus he knows how to be compatible with my sleazy music. There was a burst of me getting asked to do a lot of other music projects of which I never followed up on, mostly cuz I can't juggle a bunch of things at once. Which reminds me, I gots to get started on ButtRag12.

Another thing that has been making me somber is a dumb fb comment a friend made. It basically made me think that some of my friends wish me dead. Why do i have friends like that? Suicide does cross my mind a lot, but I stopped attempting that shit after the last failure. I think all those attempts kinda fucked my brain up a bunch. I try not to read too much into the comment, but with all those bad drunk posts from my blackouts, I guess that gets my friends wondering if I have a death wish anyways. Well, I really don't want to die right now. I have a loving boyfriend who is very supportive of me. Well, I guess except for when I want to put my cleavage in an ad. I do enjoy hangn with my pals even when they overload me with their problems. I still got things I want to do, and I gotta be alive to do them. I still got places to go, people to see. anyways, I should get back to jammin. And try'n keep my chin up no matter what people say. I have delt with a lot of negative attention before and I can keep doing it.
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So I went into work today not wanting to face the sadness of a co-worker that is facing his slow death. I was hoping he wouldn't be there. It sucked, he was there. It has been so sad. There is nothing anyone can do for him. He is faced with life's worst catch 22. He can't work cuz he is sick and on his way out of this world, but if he doesn't work he will have no $$. Who knows when he will pass away. He has known his liver is failing for 5 yrs now. This past 6 months it has really been getting him and the past few days have been hell for him and everyone around him. I feel bad. I just had my friend apply for a job there, we are very short handed. This guy knows how to do everything in the restaurant. He is a witty ol guy that enjoy hearing stories from. I must mention that I met him when I first moved here 20 yrs ago, and have seen him around here and there. It is so heart wrenching to see him so sick and helpless. But there is another thing...he has been pretty desperate for female attention. There were the bad days working with him where he would bitch about women and yell about getting a blow-job or whatever sexual attention he wants from a woman. Those days I did not want to talk to him. Sometimes I wonder if he would be using his sickness for some attention. I don't like leading anybody on. Yet, I don't like seeing him like this. He almost fell over putting down a soup pot. I just told him-"whoow! You don't look so well.". Then watched him hobble off. He finally was told to go home, but he kept hobbling around trying to do stuff til the boss came back and kept talking to him and his voice escalated in trying to tell him to leave nicely. He finally left. I know some of the deterioration is due to his hardcore alcohol and drug use over the years, so people judge that. The trouble is they don't understand that you just can't quit after so many years of abuse. It's like your body needs it somewhat, but it's still gonna kill you. If he suddenly quits drinking he is going to die quicker? I myself don't fully understand it all. He is fucked either way. I have heard of alcoholics dying after quitting drinking cold turkey. I think he'd rather die drinking and doing drugs cuz at least it would be less painful. One of the most painful things to deal with was listening to other co-workers making fun of him later on. I wanted to yell at them but what would I yell? Besides, everyone has their own way of dealing with things as sad as this. They are just mad they have to work more. I don't know. I just had to get this out. I was kinda mad and didn't want to hang out with my friends tonight. I told them I was sick and sad, but really just sad...so sad.
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Welp, I try to help friends out. I try, without being taken too much advantage of, like in the past. I just don't know. I can't win. I admit, I am a doof brain. I really hate trying to help people get a job at where I work. The last time I did the person didn't show up for his second day and I had to come in. Times befor that I get people that call in sick all the time or like to be an asshole when they work with me. So here I go again. I feel sick today and gotta be at work in an hour. What a weird ass day. Couldn't sleep hardly, haven't been able to eat since turkey day. Feel like I blew out my stomach or something. I have a feeling everyone wants to be an asshole to me cuz I don't do enough for them. I do feel so weird today! So fucking weird! I bet work is gonna suck tonight. Just one of those days where I should expect everyone wants to see me fall on my ass. Maybe I'll do it on purpose just for shits and giggles...make everyone else feel better about themselves. I wonder if I should go see a shrink? I feel so helpless.
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Well, I feel weird myself about this now. What I learned that my boyfriend feels weird about. Hey, I don't expect too many of my friends to be all 'Hooray!' and 'like' my cleavage on the stupid FB, but I would at least think I had a supportive boyfriend. He said he was hoping I wouldn't ask him that. Did he really think I wouldn't? He seemed good with it when I asked him to take the pictures. He knows I like to be a lil riske'. And hey, I wanted to do it for art! To help advertise a little. Plus I don't mind showing off these puppies on occasions such as this. I thought he knew this about me! What the hell!? People are weird. So now do I have to worry about making him feel weird about me showing off my puppies? He says it's great when I dress up and go out showing off my cleavage and if folks happen to take pictures and post them. So I don't see the difference, really. Why would it bother him with this? His explaination was ' because I'm with you'? I don't get it. I dropped the arguement which happened right befor I had to go to work. So all night I was feeling kinda 'blah' and still am a little bothered by it. He said I shouldn't worry. He is not mad at me for doing it and don't take them down. It is weird because I am gonna want more pics of me taken and my puppies. How will this effect our relationship? I do love him so. But if I have to compromise too much it is gonna be a problem. I am making too big a deal about this? I can't help it. I am not gonna bring it up to him again. My friend says it could be he is a bit jeoulous. Maybe? It seems I always run into this in every relationship. Guys will be all gung ho and supportive of my art and crazy/perverted expressions, but then one thing makes them feel 'weird'. The guy I dated befor him told me to stop drawing so many boners. ha ha! I thought he was joking, but he was serious. It is hard to be a female who wants to express her perverted/sexual side. I know it wouldn't be easy, but geez. It is hard to find a man that is totally supportive. In a way I almost feel like it is a way that they want to control me. Now I wonder about other things. When ever I do draw stuff and/or working on stuff and I set it aside in my spot next to the couch i will notice it being piled upon with other stuff. I lost my 'Ol' Creepy' original dicks drawing a while back. Still haven't found it. Of course, I aint the most orginized person in the world, but now I'm thinkn he may have piled upon it and stashed the pile somewhere. Or it got thrown out. Now that's bad of me to think. I can't let this consume my thoughts too much, I got shit to do today. But I don't want to compromise. I love him and don't want to throw out this relationship over this. Relationships do tend to get a bit 'changed' over time. When your with someone at first and they are into what you are and such...then it seems to change...I really hope this doesn't change for the worst. I guess it hurts a lil to see that up on FB w/o my boyfriend's 'like'. But then again I see a lot of stuff up where the signifcant other has not 'liked' their partner's expressions. So I shouldn't be so upset. I wish he woulda been more up front with his feelings about it and I hope he isn't hiding any other feelings he might have about what I do. I guess I better ask about shit befor I do it? Ha ha..he knew what he was getting into. How much will I have to compromise? Will it get worse? We'll see, I guess.
Current Mood:
annoyed annoyed
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Ballz! 42 years old! Feel like I should be gettin SSI already. My attitude at work wasn't the best lastnight. O well, I chose my fucked upness? ha ha. Just feel really subhuman today. Well, really just old and bitchy about nothing. Having to work. Everybody does that. Some days are good some days are bad. I also have off days where i just can't do nothing right. O well, I did have a nice birthday party. Thanks to my great man! Time to look at good things. Foragers will finally be out soon. Gone to the printers now. I do think I coulda done better on it tho, but I have already been working on it almost a year! And where is the new ButtRag?? ha ha. Well, now I gotta get 4pgs done for my friend's book=Snips by friday. Think I'll use some old shit that didn't get put into another zine that someone asked me to do something for. And do a 1 pager this week. So much to do I get my brain so frazzled up and then get anxiety about everything. I like to spend time brainstorning and doodlin, but then I feel guilty I don't spend good times with my pals, and then when I'm with my pals I trail off into project ideas...o the spiral. And then I feel like an imbeccile when I don't know where the conversation went. O the ballz...so much anxiety today.

O and then the question of me moving. I been feeling like I should move. The prices here are shooting up here. So many condos being built and shit. So many hi priced stores and bars are taking over. I kinda wanna move to a smaller city, but where? Somewhere cheaper where there is a small art scene? I thought of going back home since a friend offered me a job up there. But the thing about being closer to the family...ugh. It has been over 20 years and I wanna see where I grew up. But maybe that should be a visit. My mother didn't seem too keen on me moving back. If only Grabtown, NC had a lil town. It has two roads. ha ha! One is Grabtown Rd.. Then again I shouldn't really move. I got most of my friends here. It would cost to move anyways. What would I do? move and then just be upset and missing them? ballz. I guess I got a year to decide.
Current Location:
ballz
Current Mood:
cranky cranky
Current Music:
Insect Sex Act
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I feel like being boring lately. Don't wanna party...don't wanna go to shows...just wanna hang out and write porn and draw...nothing that requires social interaction. I kinda wanna adventure more to my old south neighborhood where there were bridges and railroad tracks to wonder. I want to draw scenery...with people fuckin eachother's butts. Asscheeks rubbing into eachother's cracks. Maybe one's asshole opening up wide enough to be penetrated by a large buttcheek. I guess I will be wondering to the east part of town tomorrow though. That's where me ol' man lives. He has a bunch of roommates and some crazy situations at his household. I don't know if I wanna deal with it all. And the girl that is his best friend. I think I've come to realize she kinda likes drama. I don't know...I feel so weird around them when I hang out. It's gonna be weird tomorrow if I do hang out, I bet. I might feel like I wanna be rescued. I might be like " why am I here?' like I was when I partied at their house that one time. Shit is so weird in this relationship. I don't know how it's gonna pan out or if it will last. I hate to be so negative but I guess I can't shake it. I guess I should at least try. I really do enjoy him and he has been the only one to get me off orally countless times. Befor him I got off once with oral sex. He really knows how to go down on me. Gosh, and I do love his cock. It's not big...bout 5" but it's soo much fun and feels so great! I love it when he squirts all over me. His loads get big and boy do they fly! At first he use to cover his dick when he came and apologize. I'm like 'please, squirt all over me!'. Nothing better then having cum fly up to my mouth and splat all over my breasts. Gosh, such great cumloads! I love the way he is all around, personality, sexually, artistically...fuck, should I really distance myself cuz of a close best girlfriend that does do stuff to get me uncomfortable? Tonight my good long time friend that I am working with kinda snubbed off my talk about him...he didn't wanna hear about him. He did it graciously though by detouring the story.
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Bleh..bleh and double bleh bleh..wish I could shake this shit off but it's hard! Found out how my 'x' died lastnight. Fuckin aweful! He shot himself in the head after his son died from being hit by a drunk driver. Fuckn sucks sooo fuckn much! The mom must be so outta her mind right now. I, of course, had a hard time getting along with her, but I feel for her right now. I wonder how the lil guy got hit by the drunk driver? So many questions. It hurts so bad. I never knew the lil guy, but damn he was a baby still...only 2 years old. Why does shit gotta suck so bad right now? Another friend is in the emergency room gettn fixed up today. All I can do is cry. What can ya do? And me so selfish thinkn of my insecurities with my boyfriend foolin around with his best friend. That problem seems so trivial in comparison. What to do to get my mind off all this? I tried bangn on my bass and drawing but I feel shakey. I hope work goes well tonight at least.
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O geez, has my heart gone into a privy. I have fallen in love again. This guy supports all my art and loves to work with me a bit on it. He is fun yet mellow. It feels really good. He dances with me...the butt dance. He is so open and non-judgemental of folks...also very understanding. My only problem is that I get jeolous...specifically of his one close female friend. I try not to be that gal. I have been in many situations where my guy friends have had a jeolous girlfriend that won't let me hang out with them cuz they think something is going on. Yet, I never took many pics of them and messaged them everyday and wanted to hang out with them all the time and nor have I been physically on them infront of or behind their backs. This girl does that. I am trying to figure if she is doing it to test my jeolousy or if she wants him now that he's wanted by another. I am tired of bringing it up to him. It does bother me. I did tell him yesterday that I would not make him choose, if it bothers me too much I would be the one to stay out of his life. I almost cried saying that. He assured me that he is not attracted to her and said it does make him uncomfortable when she does get physical with him and he noticed she has been a bit more since we got together. O the obstacles of getting into a relationship...when people see you with someone new they seem to want to ruin it. I wish she would find someone she really digs. I mean she does talk about the different guys she wants or is banging to him so that is a sign she really doesn't want to bang my man. Yet, she does call for his attention a lot. I hope I can get over this obstacle of insecurity. I do love him so I will try.
Obstacles of jobs...ugh...will I get my ass back on track? Will I be able to come up with next months rent? I like my current job as a dishwasher. I am BOH and don't have to deal with public, but will I be able to make rent? Another job maybe in order. I am glad my mom said that she would like it if I would be able to focus more on my art and music than trying to make more $$ by spending too much time at jobs that wear me out. It was great to see my mom. She has changed quite a bit. Not all harsh and bossy...telling me to work more and blah...she's pleasant these days. We share a few drinks and talk of our worlds. It feels good. Ok...off to grab the day!
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I can't sleep...too much dumb reeling in my head. Jobs...ideas...blah blah...don't kno wot to think about all. It seemed like a great day earlier today. I got a better job but still gotta keep hell job til i settle into new one. This relationship may go sour...I hate to be negative...but I can't let myself fall in it. It's been fun, but who knows...wot will become. Maybe cuz I can't sleep and I'm cranky and got to work doubles all weekend. And the guy I'm sleeping with put his elbow in my head and reminded me of sleeping with my x.
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