WOWEEET!

I feel so dumb! I fuckin went off on Pat yesterday. Well, the night befor we got super wasted! Which I shaoulda stopped Pat from purchasing that drug I try and stay away from-coke. I had decided to get a bottle of Tito's Vodka for wednesday night not Tuesday. I did want Lori to come over but then Pat saw our neighbors and invited them and it turned it a party. It was on a worknight for me. I wanted to wait til lastnight. Anyway, I was fine for awhile until it seemed like Pat just wanted to flirt with the neighbors girlfriend. Yes, she's young-like 19-so like 20 years younger than him. She is hot, too. Kinda skinny-but hot nontheless. I was trying to keep my ass in line and say to myself 'I'm just imagining shit'. It made me feel horrible when he'd just focus on her than asked her to get down on the floor and play puppets with him. I had played puppets earlier and he seemed to not have an interest in playing with me. Just said it was a good idea. Then when they wanted to leave Pat was pretty adimit that he didn't want her to leave. Then we she tried to leave again he chased her down and went out to talk to her on the porch. Then I kinda had to ask what was up-he said he needed to know about his drugdeal. That made me even more mad! I'm kinda sick of his no job have'n-drug-dealin ass! So I remained calm the rest of the night until I had to go to work. I was still drunk and let the shit fester in me. I kinda went off at work so they let me off early. I didn't want to go home so I went to the bar and drank and texted friends about it all. They simpithized and Mel came down to meet me for a couple. Then I thought I was calm enough to face him. I came upstairs upset and went on about how I felt. He denied being like that and I went on about how I wasn't imaging it! I started crying and hitting myself in the head cuz of the pain of my heart. I felt like such an imbicile! He makes me feel like a fucking imbicile! It's only natural that men be all flirty and zoned in on the younger hot chick. I shoulda taken off to the bar with Jerry so I didn't have to keep watching it! He said he only wants me and doesn't want to fuck her. But why did he keep saying that he's not a swinger and why would he keep sayin it if he wasn't thinking it constantly! I wanted to break it off so bad and move up to WI or Chicago! Away from his fuckin ass! Then I did the worst thing-I wanted to kill myself so I kept saying that and asking him to get me some fucking heroine. Then I grabbed a fucking little knife, but a knife nontheless and was almost gonna stab myself with it. He flipped and grabbed me and restrained me. It was so bad of me! I hate myself sometimes! But it hurt so bad. I did too much shit that made my mood wacked then I started ragging. Geez-my emotions were out of hand! I'm crazy and surprized he has stuck through and can handle me! I'll see how it goes-I'ma bit beat-up right now and gonna go have some dinner with friends. I should write some e-mails, too. Boy, did I sleep after that episode. I wish I could control my fuckin ass.

I'm kinda weary of getting into arguments with people I know have or had the use of heroine. I don't know how it came about, but a couple friends are like heroine and alcohol are the same in that they kill the same amount of people and get the same amount of addicts that steal and kill for it. I'm like-hmmm you mean because there are the same % of killings and deaths with each that they are the same? Well, if they're the same why can't a junkiejust drink and why can't a drunk just do dope? Different buzz. So they're not the same?
I shaoulda went on about how junkies are winey and always want something and lie like fucking crazy to get it! I don't know too many drunks that do that. Or at least I've been hangin out with functional drunks lately. Mind-these 2 people that use or have used(could still be for all I know) I'm glad don't want to hang-out too often. Well, one seems to want to hang-out, but I can't hang-out everyday with anyone anyway. Well, Pat and he gives me some nights to myself-like tonight. I'm sick of fuckin junkies. One murdered a friend of mine back about 12 years back-she was pregnant and I was ready to back to Austin from New Orleans to hang-out with her-she was gonna stay with me. I couldn't believe it! I was soo mad!
Anyways, I'm trying to stay away from the junkies.

I've just got 12 pages of ButtRagMag done! Whoohoo! It has taken a lot of jiggin around with the fucking photos, butt maybe they'll actually come out this time. I try on photoshop and OpenOffice and it's all just a hodgepodge of trying to get all the photos to come out and maybe cuz I need to really get some time in on photoshop, but also because my printer is b/w and such and all weird. At least I'm focusing on the margins. This one seems hard just because I'm paying more attention to all that. Guess I gotta start being anal! Now I debate on whether to work on it more or go get me some booze?
Plus I'm a bit annoyed right now that my boyfriend has been over to comfort this girl in some break-up. Another fucking break-up! I'm getting sick of dealing with them all! It's his best friend's girl so I shouldn't be worried, eh? That's the way the songs start, huh? And it's at his house-ewe! How could I even think they could be doing it?! Gross! It makes me wanna break up! Gross. I mean she's cool n all, but wayyy tiny. He hasn't answered my texts though either. I think they just wanna play their little game of whatever. He's (her boyfriend)in Houston working and I'm working on ButtRagMag. I hope he comes back soon. It would be boring for him to be here anyway. I'm so sick of this soap opera bullshit!All my friends are fucking single now! How many break-ups in the past year? All of 'em! It's like we've cursed everyone! Everyone around us seems to break-up!

Been retard'n myself for the past month or more like my whole life! If only I would draw shit everyday like I did as a kid! Ok-I'm gonna fix up the cover to "Lucky Bum" because I didn't like the way the last one came out. I didn't even put ButtRagMag on there! What? Should I change it to Lucky Bum? Naw! I aint lucky and the way this one is going there aint no luck about it! Well, except that the people that want to be in it are cool and they hang out and stuff. And I get free t-shirts from the bands and cd's and stuff. After this one though-I'm gonna try'n focus on "Foragers"-because that is gonna be my first comic book story that won't be x rated. Ok-today I gotta 1)work on ButtRagMag! which means drawing up the cover and the intro and sketchin out Bonerators!2)go to HEB. 3) Call Leopard Larry and say"Dude, Pat's sick from his Vegas trip and I couldn't find anyone to come with me to your house."-that's because I was gonna get more ink done on my guinea pigs tattoo and he needs someone to watch his baby. 4)Go to Kinko's to resize my drawing of the phone. 5)grab myself!
Do all that in not nessecarily that order and maybe over the next couple days.
( mo stuff-mer )

Damn! Got a killer hangover and didn't work on Bonerators today-like I shoulda! Fuck! My man is in Las Vegas til Monday. It seems so strange w/o him of course. The last we talked he was down 400. That kinda sux! Wah! I reminded him that he doesn't have a job! And I just lent out some $$ to someone who won't be able to pay me back for awhile! Why did I do that? No, she needed it and she is a great friend! Pat won't gamble all his $$ away!
O and I have to admit I have a crush on someone. It's totally harmless! And it'll pass-plus the guy is like half a world away and in a country that it's impossible to get a visa from. Yes, Nenad Gucunja, the great artist that I dig soooo much!

Hmmm..did that work? Computer is all sorts of updated now. I am a bit embarassed about it, I guess. I can have a crush on someone even if I have the love of my life, right? It's like having a crush on a celebrity. He does write me back and that is super cool. His country is so wacked. He's in Novi Sad, formaly Yugoslavia now Serbia. Him and is friends are in a band called Red Union. A cool ass punk band which makes him even cooler! Well, fuck! He started it by giving me his e-mail a while back here! I must stop getting drunk, eh? Boy-I better start cleaning up around here!

A bit depressed again today. Not really because my computer is crashed, but becuase I'm drained. I got wasted lastnight and got depressed about my whole family situation again. I am like T.R.=Totaly rejected! I kinda am relieved that they don't call though-but should I be? I'm a fucking mental case anyway. I don't talk to them in years then my bro finds me and calls mom a pathological liar and sounds desparate to have a son. Do I really want to deal with all that weird shit? And I really don't want to see dad ever again. So fucked up-so fucked up!
Anyway, on a better note-most of the BRM files-like the interviews are saved to my e-mail, but my pics are in the files on my computer. Hopefully my nerdy boyfriend can retrieve them. He is so great and my saving grace. Just when I think everyone wants to be mean to me-he is there with nothing but assurance and love. I feel like hibernating for awhile. Work has drained me. There's the Rock Opera party tonight, but I didn't feel like going. I hardly feel like socializing at all. I just wanna hang with the piggles and my man on my days off. Gotta get on the drawings this week. One more for Phil-he said they were gonna be made into postcards, that would be cool! Only thing is i'd have to maybe set my printer up near my boyfriend's computer here. That wouldn't be too hard, eh? Well, I don't want to have to save files on here tho, too. I prolly got the virus from looking at porn. That's usually how it cums, eh?

So-I got up too early today.On a day off from work that is. Woke a little depressed even though it was next to my wonderful man and in pretty cool apt(even though it is small and cluttered). At least it's cluttered with all my art stuff to choose from to use. Depressed? Why? I do feel a little better that I doodled a couple things. The cover to "Lucky Bum" ButtRagMag#7 and a page of some silly comic I just came up with. I want to make today a doodleday. Maybe I'll even get to the "Bonerators" comic today also. I may try a little practice with copying a frame from a 'Zap' comic that my friend Mel gave me. That comic is sooo damn silly and profane! I dig it!
I got some homemade soup on also. I hope it comes out well. I don't want to go back to work tomorrow for the 3 days of 14 hour shifts for the ACL fest. Ung! I can't wait to get through it. Only one band I wanna see-Clutch out of 130 or so bands playing it. I'll be working anyway. Hope it goes well. Then I gotta work the week out after-ung! I can do it! This makes me wanna go to school to get out of such manual labor. Looked up Geography classes of which they have an Associative in Arts-Geography-which sounds interesting to me. Thinking about that for next fall, a year from now. Can I take much more of this resteraunt gig even though I get to see free shows?
Well, perhaps I'll be back later with some scans?